Raising a child is a shared journey. For many families, domestic helpers play a vital role in that process. Yet, even with their daily involvement, helpers often find themselves having to navigate complex childcare situations.
Caretaking differences seldom stem from neglect or indifference, but from a lack of shared understanding. Many helpers genuinely want to do what’s best for the child, yet without clear direction from parents, they’re left to make judgment calls on their own — often based on how they were raised or taught to care for children back home. Over time, small misunderstandings can grow into larger issues that affect not only the child’s well-being, but also the trust and relationship between parents and helpers.
This article sheds light on cases that reveal where communication between parents and helpers often breaks down, from discipline gone wrong to mealtime struggles. Through these stories, we aim not to assign blame, but to understand. By learning from these experiences, parents, agencies, and trainers can better guide helpers with empathy, set clear expectations, and build the trust and structure every child needs to thrive.
Case Study 1: Having Helpers Deal with Obedience in Children
Channel News Asia (CNA) covers a story on Victoria and her family’s domestic helper Zaza.
Four-year-old Victoria knows that when she misbehaves while her parents are away, her Myanmar helper Za Za must tread carefully. According to her employers, Za Za is “not authorised to scold Victoria or her brother.” When Victoria throws a tantrum, the arrangement is that she must report to her mother instead. Za Za once shared, “No, cannot [scold]. She will cry and she will tell me to ‘go away’.”
In her cultural experience, firmness or scolding may be the norm, but she senses her limits in this family’s boundaries. Victoria’s parents, Mr. Yip and Mdm Yap, draw clear lines: Za Za may tell the children what they can and cannot do, but any education, discipline or correction must come from the parents themselves.
This dynamic reflects a tension many families in Singapore face: helpers are present, involved, yet constrained. To avoid misuse, some parents prefer that the helper serve as an observer and messenger, not an enforcer. In the CNA coverage, one mother remarked that she would not allow her helper to scold or strike her child, arguing that the role of disciplining should remain with “blood relation.”
Another family in the same article permitted their helper to lightly “scold and smack” their child when they misbehaved. These contrasting positions underscore how unclear boundaries can push helpers into trying methods that might not align with the parents’ values.
Image: Ms Za Za and Victoria, four, share a strong affectionate bond — from “Would You Let Your Helper Discipline Your Little Ones?” - CNA Insider
Analysis
When helpers feel responsible for maintaining order but lack clear guidance, they may instinctively turn to fear or threats as quick fixes. The problem is compounded when their role in discipline isn’t well defined — children can become confused about who holds authority at home. When multiple figures, such as parents, helpers, or extended family members, step in to correct behaviour, mixed messages often arise. Experts in the CNA article caution that when discipline is handed over to helpers, parents risk losing their authority and consistency over time. Moreover, because many helpers come from different cultural or disciplinary backgrounds, their methods may unintentionally clash with a family’s values or local parenting norms.
Lessons
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Explicit boundaries are essential
If parents want helpers to observe and report, or enforce minimal limits, these roles must be spelled out clearly. For example: -
“You may remind the child of bedtime in a calm tone, but do not raise your voice or threaten them.”
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“If the child cries or resists, wait for me to intervene.”
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Shared debriefs and feedback
After a difficult moment, ask the helper to explain what she did and how the child responded. Use that as an opportunity to correct or affirm. This builds her confidence and clarifies boundaries. -
Guard against fear tactics
Make explicit the family’s stance. For example: -
no threats of “ghosts,” punishments that cause anxiety, or invoking fear of abandonment.
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Emphasize discipline rooted in connection, not fear.
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Preserve parental authority
Even when helpers support, parents should retain the primary role in teaching values, consistency, and major consequences. This reinforces stability and prevents confusion.
Case Study 2: Mealtime Mismanagement
In a Singapore household, the Lim family faced daily mealtime tensions with their helper, Maria, and their son Lucas aged six. Lucas was notoriously picky — pushing vegetables aside, refusing new dishes, or complaining of fullness early. Without clear protocols, Maria would sometimes raise her voice, threaten “no dessert,” or delay snacks until compliance. Lucas, distressed, started hiding food, leaving the table abruptly, or crying. One evening, Mrs. Lim found Lucas in his room sobbing:
“I don’t want to eat — Maria shouts at me!”
When challenged, Maria said:
“In my country, children must finish what’s on the plate. I’m just trying to help him grow up healthy.”
The Lims realized Maria was applying her cultural beliefs about eating. The parents had never clearly explained their approach to meals: that they preferred offering choices, inviting Lucas to try new foods, allowing small refusals, and preserving mealtimes as peaceful rather than coercive.
Image: “Would You Let Your Helper Discipline Your Little Ones?” - CNA Insider
Analysis
Maria’s good intentions were overshadowed by pressure to enforce obedience rather than cooperation. When children are forced, they often push back — hiding food, refusing meals, or breaking down emotionally. The absence of a shared playbook left Maria uncertain of what approaches were acceptable, leading her to rely on instinct and threats.
Lessons
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Design mealtime norms together
Include the helper and child: agree on core rules (how many dishes, substitutions allowed, when snacks are okay) so Maria doesn’t feel powerless. -
“If-then” scripts
Pre-agree what the helper can say. For example: -
“If Lucas says he’s full, you can say: ‘I understand. Could you try two more bites?’ If still refused, leave the plate and revisit later.”
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Offer flexibility within limits
Allow the helper occasional discretion (within nutritional bounds) to switch or adjust a dish so she feels less constrained. -
Cultivate mealtime as connection, not confrontation
Emphasize calmness, patience, inclusion. When the helper feels supported instead of pressured, she’s less likely to snap.
Case Study 3: When Frustration Breaks Boundaries
In mid-2024, a Filipino domestic helper in Singapore, Nucom Loreta Talbo, admitted in court to ill-treating a one-year-old child over 22 separate occasions. According to The Straits Times, these incidents ranged from pinching, slapping, to hitting, all occurring when she claimed the child's cries had disrupted her sleep.
CNA reported that the family had entrusted her with full responsibility for the toddler, including night care, and she shared a sleeping space with the child. The repeated episodes of abuse, she later admitted, stemmed from frustration over being woken up at night.
Analysis
Without clear boundaries or guidance, daily frustrations can quickly escalate into harmful forms of discipline. In this case, the helper’s role had expanded beyond daytime caregiving to include night duties, blurring the line between helper and parent. Exhaustion and stress could have very well compounded her sense of responsibility, leading her to act out of frustration rather than care. Ultimately, this incident reveals the systemic vulnerability faced by helpers who are under immense pressure yet receive little oversight, emotional support, or structured training.
Lessons
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Never give full, unmonitored authority
Assign helper roles clearly, especially overnight care, and establish reporting requirements. -
Set escalation protocols
The helper should never act in isolation in response to distressing behavior (e.g. crying at night); instead, alert the parent or follow predetermined calming steps. -
Offer training and advice in soothing techniques
Helpers may be unaware of non-violent methods to reassure a crying child (white noise, feeding, soft talk). -
Avoid cultural absolutes
Even if a helper presents a method as “normal in my country,” parents must assess whether it aligns with their values and draw nonnegotiable lines.
How Homekeeper Can Help Bridge the Gap
These real-life cases show that most misunderstandings between parents and helpers stem not from ill intent, but from unclear communication and limited preparation. That’s where strong training and structured support makes a world of difference.
At Homekeeper Maid Agency, the focus goes beyond placement — it’s about equipping helpers and families to work together confidently. Homekeeper provides comprehensive orientation and skills training that cover childcare routines, safety practices, and communication techniques tailored to Singaporean households. Helpers are trained to better understand local parenting norms, emotional boundaries, and positive discipline methods.
For parents, Homekeeper offers guidance on setting clear expectations, establishing house rules, and maintaining healthy employer-helper relationships. By fostering shared understanding from the start, Homekeeper helps both sides build mutual trust and reduce the risk of tension or miscommunication.
Image: Leading Maid Agency in Singapore Since 1998 - Homekeeper
At CradleNest, we’re committed to helping Singaporean families build trusting partnerships with helpers who are well-equipped to provide the consistent, nurturing care every child deserves. Download the CradleNest app, or drop us a WhatsApp at +65 9128 5268 to find out more! Discover more parenting resources on the app, and follow us on Instagram @cradlenestsg for updates, tips, and a peek into our growing community.
This article was informed by resources from the following:
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Channel NewsAsia – Would You Let Your Helper Discipline Your Little Ones?
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The Straits Times – Maid Admits Abusing Employer’s 1-Year-Old Son on More Than 20 Occasions
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Channel NewsAsia – Maid Abused One-Year-Old Boy Because His Cries Disrupted Her Sleep
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Mother & Baby Singapore – Top 10 Complaints of Singapore Parents with Domestic Helpers Who Care for the Baby
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The Straits Times – Helping Helpers Handle Young Children Safely and Confidently
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Singapore Children’s Society – Parenting in Singapore: Insights from The Parenting Project (2022)
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Cultivate SG – The Childcare Conundrum: Who to Care for Baby?
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Ministry of Manpower (MOM) – Settling-In Programme for First-Time Foreign Domestic Workers